Compare and Contrast:
Polyamory vs. Polygamy
Because mainstream America has associated the term polygamy with some extreme examples of relationship styles practiced by some fairly extreme sects of Mormons, those who publicly call themselves polyamorous may find themselves explaining the differences. When the A&E documentary Inside Polygamy aired in 2004, I was asked by some non-polyamorous friends about how that lifestyle is different from the lifestyle of polyamory, so I wrote the first version of this page then. And HBO's new series Big Love will also be bringing more awareness to the term polygamy, and undoubtedly bring more similar types of questions.
I know that I have personally
found that when I use the word "polyamory", what is heard sometimes is "polygamy" instead. And more precisely, what is heard
is a very specific sub-type of polygamy that has been popularized in the
American culture and media. It's what makes the news, after all.
Polyamorists don't tend to do things that make the evening news, and
I've not seen too many prime time TV shows entitled Inside
Polyamory. I am often asked if I'm a polygamist, Mormon or if I'm
doing 'What those people in Utah do?'
It's important to note that the polygamy presented in the documentary and in HBO's series is only one form of polygamy, and represents only a small portion of people who are practicing polygamy around the world. The term technically means many marriages or spouses and can apply to any situation where more then two people are in a marriage type of commitment (legal or not). Around the world, these forms of relationships can take many forms, with many different hierarchical structures. Many of them are well described in this Wikipedia entry. From a technical standpoint, the major difference between polyamory and polygamy is the marriage component.
Here in America however,
the term polygamy is often used in the mainstream to
refer to a specific form of group marriage that is practiced by
some splinter groups of Mormonism that has a dominant male at the
center with multiple female wives. This is more specifically
Polygyny. Please note that the Mormon church has officially
banned polygamist marriages, and it is primarily practiced by
religious organizations that are operating outside of the official Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There's
also a more recent growth of a
Christian based polygamy movement in America that is following a
similar model. For simplicity's
sake, throughout this document I generally refer to this form of
group marriage as 'Mormon Polygamy.' For better or worse, mainstream America seems to generally associate
the term polygamy with the Mormon male dominated structure. Here is a topic that we can
contrast the words at face value, and not just using the Mormon
connotation of the word polygamy.
2) Religious Based
3) Male dominated vs. egalitarian Originally posted by to my LiveJournal on 7/19/2004,
updated on 3/10/2006.
So what are the major differences?
1) Multiple Spouses vs Multiple Loves
Polygamy technically means 'many marriages' and is focused on having marriage/spousal commitments with multiple people at a time. The term can refer to any combination of configurations. I have found, at least in my local community, that polyamorists with multiple spousal level commitments shy away from using the term polygamy to describe their relationship model because of the confusion of the term socially meaning something like what the documentary Inside Polygamy depicts.
Polyamory is a term that means 'many loves'. It does not imply that people are looking to marry multiple people (nor does it exclude that they may). Those loves may be explored in a variety of relationship styles - from dating, to living together, to raising kids together, group marriages or any combination thereof. I would even go so far to say that polygamy can be considered a form of polyamorous relationship. But the term polyamory itself does not set up a goal or ideal of marriage. Marriage commitments may or may not play a role in the practice of polyamory.
Mormon Polygamy, while polygamy technically meaning 'many marriages' and the term itself having no religious basis, in America it has taken on a connection to fundamental Mormonism. In Mormon Polygamy, especially in these fundamental and splinter sects, there's an expectation to reach spiritual gain in the afterlife for a man to have at least three wives in the physical realm. It's also referred to as Celestial Marriage. And it could also be technically called 'Polygyny' (or multiple-wives/women). Despite its technical meaning, polygamy has gained a societal description within mainstream America to refer to group marriages with dominant male and multiple wives. It's often synonymous with 'What those people in Utah do.'
Polyamory itself has no religious basis. Sure, the people who practice it may come from various religious backgrounds and there may be religious groups that are open to polyamorous configurations, but the pursuit of multiple relationships has no specific spiritual basis or goal. People practice it for their own reasons - which may widely vary. It's all personal choice (or should be, in my opinion). But LOVE is usually a strong reason for polyamory... and the freedom to love and pursue relationships with as many people as you choose. Not for a love of a god figure, or for entry into special status in the afterlife.
Mormon Polygamy, is male dominated. While 'many spouses' is non-gender specific, the term polygamy, used in context of the documentary, refers to a male dominated relationship with multiple submissive females (and not in a BDSM sense). Sometimes, the women have little say in when other wives are brought into the family, and the connections between the wives vary from not knowing each other to co-habitating and raising families together. One extreme is the Kingston family shown on the documentary, where the women are forced into marriage by age 16 (usually to an uncle or such), and expected to produce a child every year. Each wife in this family has their own house, and raises the kids on her own. But that's an extreme. In a less extreme Mormon polygamist family - there may be more choice on the part of the women coming into the family, and the existing wives having some say in the new bride. But it's still very male-dominated. None of the women are allowed other partners. And the male makes most decisions.
Polyamory can be described as gender egalitarian. Sure, a polyamorous relationships may be one man and multiple females - but it's by the choice of each involved, not because of lifestyle expectations or gender roles. In polyamory, women and men have the opportunity for equal status and choice in the matter of relationships. It's not uncommon at all for a woman to have multiple boyfriends (and/or girlfriends), for a guy to have boyfriends and girlfriends, etc. Or for a couple to date another couple or a single together. Sure, when you combine BDSM with polyamory, you may get a dominant figure with multiple submissives... but this is far from the "norm" in the polyamory I've encountered. And that dominant figure can just as easily be a female as it can a male. And yes, there may be hierarchy within the practice of polyamory, such as using labels like 'primary' partner to describe a partner(s) who gets priority over others - but there are not determined by gender roles alone.
Here in America however, the term polygamy is often used in the mainstream to refer to a specific form of group marriage that is practiced by some splinter groups of Mormonism that has a dominant male at the center with multiple female wives. This is more specifically Polygyny. Please note that the Mormon church has officially banned polygamist marriages, and it is primarily practiced by religious organizations that are operating outside of the official Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There's also a more recent growth of a Christian based polygamy movement in America that is following a similar model.
For simplicity's sake, throughout this document I generally refer to this form of group marriage as 'Mormon Polygamy.' For better or worse, mainstream America seems to generally associate the term polygamy with the Mormon male dominated structure.
Here is a topic that we can contrast the words at face value, and not just using the Mormon connotation of the word polygamy.
2) Religious Based
3) Male dominated vs. egalitarian
Originally posted by to my LiveJournal on 7/19/2004, updated on 3/10/2006.