Compare and Contrast:
Polyamory vs. Polygamy
Because mainstream America has associated the term polygamy with some extreme examples of relationship styles practiced by some fairly extreme sects of Mormons, those who publicly call themselves polyamorous may find themselves explaining the differences. When the A&E documentary Inside Polygamy aired in 2004, I was asked by some non-polyamorous friends about how that lifestyle is different from the lifestyle of polyamory, so I wrote the first version of this page then. And HBO's new series Big Love will also be bringing more awareness to the term polygamy, and undoubtedly bring more similar types of questions.
I know that I have personally
found that when I use the word "polyamory", what is heard sometimes is "polygamy" instead. And more precisely, what is heard
is a very specific sub-type of polygamy that has been popularized in the
American culture and media. It's what makes the news, after all.
Polyamorists don't tend to do things that make the evening news, and
I've not seen too many prime time TV shows entitled Inside
Polyamory. I am often asked if I'm a polygamist, Mormon or if I'm
doing 'What those people in Utah do?'
It's important to note that the polygamy presented in the
documentary and in HBO's series is only one form of polygamy, and
represents only a small portion of people who are practicing
polygamy around the world. The
term technically means many marriages or spouses and can apply to any situation
where more then two people are in a marriage type of commitment
(legal or not).
Around the world, these forms of relationships can take many forms,
with many different hierarchical structures. Many of them are
well described in this Wikipedia
entry. From a technical standpoint, the major difference
between polyamory and polygamy is the marriage
component.
Here in America however, the term polygamy is often used in the mainstream to refer to a specific form of group marriage that is practiced by some splinter groups of Mormonism that has a dominant male at the center with multiple female wives. This is more specifically Polygyny. Please note that the Mormon church has officially banned polygamist marriages, and it is primarily practiced by religious organizations that are operating outside of the official Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There's also a more recent growth of a Christian based polygamy movement in America that is following a similar model.
For simplicity's sake, throughout this document I generally refer to this form of group marriage as 'Mormon Polygamy.' For better or worse, mainstream America seems to generally associate the term polygamy with the Mormon male dominated structure.
So what are the major differences?
1) Multiple Spouses vs Multiple Loves
Here is a topic that we can contrast the words at face value, and not just using the Mormon connotation of the word polygamy.
Polygamy technically means 'many marriages' and is focused on
having marriage/spousal commitments with multiple people at a time.
The term can refer to any combination of configurations. I have
found, at least in my local community, that polyamorists with
multiple spousal level commitments shy away from using
the term polygamy to describe their relationship model because of
the confusion of the term socially meaning something like what the
documentary Inside Polygamy depicts.
Polyamory is a term that means 'many loves'. It does not imply
that people are looking to marry multiple people (nor does it
exclude that they may). Those loves may be
explored in a variety of relationship styles - from dating, to
living together, to raising kids together, group marriages or any
combination thereof. I would even go so far to say that polygamy can
be considered a form of polyamorous relationship. But the term polyamory itself
does not set up a goal or ideal of marriage. Marriage commitments
may or may not play a role in the practice of polyamory.
2) Religious Based
Mormon Polygamy, while polygamy technically meaning
'many marriages'
and the term itself having no religious basis,
in America it has taken on a connection to fundamental Mormonism.
In Mormon Polygamy, especially in these fundamental and splinter sects,
there's an expectation to reach spiritual gain in the afterlife for a man to
have at least three wives in the physical realm. It's also referred to
as Celestial Marriage. And it could also be technically called 'Polygyny' (or
multiple-wives/women). Despite its technical meaning,
polygamy has gained a societal description within mainstream America
to refer to group
marriages with dominant male and multiple wives. It's often synonymous
with 'What those people in Utah do.'
Polyamory itself has no religious basis. Sure, the
people who practice it may come from various religious backgrounds
and there may be religious groups that are open to polyamorous
configurations,
but the pursuit of multiple relationships has no specific spiritual
basis or goal. People practice it for their own reasons - which may
widely vary. It's all personal choice (or should be, in my opinion).
But LOVE is usually a strong reason for polyamory... and the freedom
to love and pursue relationships with as many people as you choose.
Not for a love of a god figure, or for entry into special status in
the afterlife.
3) Male dominated vs. egalitarian
Mormon Polygamy, is male dominated.
While 'many spouses' is non-gender specific, the term
polygamy, used in context of the documentary, refers to a male dominated relationship with
multiple submissive females (and not in a BDSM sense). Sometimes,
the women have little say in when other wives are brought into the
family, and the connections between the wives vary from not knowing
each other to co-habitating and raising families together. One
extreme is the Kingston family shown on the documentary, where the
women are forced into marriage by age 16 (usually to an uncle or
such), and expected to produce a child every year. Each wife in this
family has their own house, and raises the kids on her own. But that's an
extreme. In a less extreme Mormon polygamist family - there may be
more choice on the part of the women coming into
the family, and the existing wives having some say in the new bride.
But it's still very male-dominated. None of the women are allowed
other partners. And the male makes most decisions.
Polyamory can be described as gender egalitarian. Sure, a
polyamorous relationships may be one man and multiple females - but it's
by the choice of each involved, not because of lifestyle
expectations or gender roles. In
polyamory, women and men have the opportunity for equal status and choice in the matter
of relationships. It's not uncommon at all for a woman to have multiple boyfriends
(and/or girlfriends), for a guy to have boyfriends and girlfriends,
etc. Or for a couple to date another couple or a single together. Sure, when you
combine BDSM with polyamory, you may get a dominant figure with
multiple submissives... but this is far from the "norm" in
the polyamory I've encountered. And that dominant figure can just as easily
be a female as it can a male. And yes, there may be hierarchy within
the practice of
polyamory, such as using labels like 'primary' partner to describe a
partner(s) who gets priority over others - but there are not
determined by gender roles alone.
Originally posted by to my LiveJournal on 7/19/2004, updated on 3/10/2006.
