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Common Myths about Poly

The below is a compilation of common assumptions I hear from folks when they are trying to grasp polyamory. 

Group Sex

Yes, group sex can happen within polyamory.. and yes, it can be a heck of a lot of fun. No, it is not the purpose or function of polyamory. In fact, there are several polyamorous folks who have never had a group sexual experience. Group sex within polyamory would require that you have 3 or more people who are all in a relationship with each other, and that's not always the case.

In actuality, it's the strength of the individual dyads (2 people) within a larger relationship that gives a larger group relationship potential for healthy longevity. Which means that each pairing, whether sexual or not, needs ample time together.

Lots of Sex

I don't know that there's any actual statistical data available on whether or not a polyamorous person has more sex than a monogamous person. But I personally can't say that this would be true. Sure, a polyamorous person may have more sexual variety in his or her life and more partners. But let's face it - there are only so many hours in a day and a lot of things to fill those hours. However, it is true that when you're in a new relationship, it is far more likely to have more frequent sex than in an established long term relationship - and in poly, you have likely hood to have more new relationship occurring. 

Polyamory allows you to create a whole person out of multiple

On a recent episode of the Montel William's show, this was brought up as a benefit of polyamory.  I personally have problems with this statement, because it assumes that people are pieces to a puzzle to create a whole. Yes, you may indeed find a quality in one sweetie that another doesn't have (perhaps one likes wine and does dishes, and the other is well read and likes dancing). However, when reality bites, it's not simple as mix-n-matching your lovers to create a whole.  You will find that each person you're involved with will have a lot of overlapping qualities. And you'll also find that some of the qualities you would desire aren't present in any of your sweeties.  Or perhaps for practical reasons, a quality you really desire in your daily life is only available in a sweetie you get to see every so often. 

The fact of the matter is, it's best to find completeness in yourself first and foremost. Take responsibility for your own happiness, and don't continue to frustrate yourself and your sweeties by what they perhaps don't have. 

It's easier for a woman

I often hear people tell me that it must be easier to pursue polyamory if you're a girl, or a couple, or a single or a guy. And that's simply not the case. Even a hot, attractive single woman will encounter plenty of difficulties in finding relationships. Usually because so many people treat them as a commodity and expect them to just morph into their lives seamlessly. Couples, especially those new to polyamory, usually have unrealistic expectations of how relationships outside of their own will work. Guys usually have a bad stigma, or assume that they can't do polyamory because guys in other alternative lifestyles (such as swinging) have given single males a bad reputation.  

Magic Formula

Sorry, there is no formula or pattern that you can follow to make polyamory work. Each relationship you have is a unique as the individuals involved. You'll have to find what works for you and the people you're involved with. There is no hard and fast right and wrong way to do polyamory. 


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