Breaking Up With Finesse
How to break-up within a polyamory community
Anytime a romantic relationship breaks
up, it can affect the community that the people were involved with.
Especially if it's a nasty break-up, or has drama involved. And it affects
the way in which the people in the relationship interact with that
community afterwards as well. I think this is especially true within a
polyamory community.
Within a poly community, there tends to be a lot of dating going on.
Whether it be between existing participants of that community,
pre-existing relationships prior to finding the poly community or bringing
new partners into the community. Break-ups are quite a common occurrence
within a poly community. After all, it's a community based around people
who are open to multiple loving relationships, and where else are you
going to encounter such a density of poly minded people, and thus,
potential mates? More relationship potentials equates to a higher
probability of more relationships ending. A poly community endures a lot
of transitioning of relationships. It's difficult to keep up with who's
seeing who, and who's on the outs with whom on any given day.
Because the poly community is so small and incestuous, and there are so
many cross-over interests (such as BDSM, pagan, SCA, sci-fi, etc.) chances
are pretty high, that unless one or more of you moves away or you were in
a long distance relationship, you will be encountering your exes socially
in the future. Not only will you be encountering them, you will likely be
encountering them while they are exploring new relationships. Heck, you'll
probably encounter them exploring new relationships with other exes of
yours. How's that for a wake-up call and need for some pretty strong
rationality to counteract your emotional reactions? If you want to stay
involved in your pre-existing lifestyles and social circles (and few poly
people I know are willing not to), one of the essential poly skills is
learning to break-up with finesse.
As someone who has been involved poly communities for years, I often get
asked about how to break up with someone and still co-exist in the poly
community afterwards. I have certainly seen my share of break-ups (the
good and the poorly handled ones), and I've certainly experienced my fair
share of them myself. Since I just spent a recent evening 'counseling'
more people on this very topic and it's fresh on my mind, I present to you
the advice I usually give. Note, I'm not giving advice on how to initiate
the break-up, you're on your own there. This is focused on setting up your
relationships to end on friendly terms, and ways in which people have
successfully been able to co-exist in a community after a break-up.
I intend to be your friendly-ex
I am proud to say, that every former partner of mine that I've broken up
with since being involved in the poly community I do indeed not only
co-exist with, but usually am still affectionately friendly with (ie. I
can at least share a genuine hug with them). This is of high importance to
me, and I make it clear at the beginning of my new relationships that
remaining friends after the relationship ends (not if... when) is my
intention.
I encourage people when exploring new relationships, especially within a
community, to make this a priority. Talk it over with your potential
partners. Observe how they talk about their exes. Observe them WITH their
exes if you can. Do they still talk to them? Are they on friendly terms?
Are they disappointed about the ones they haven't been able to part with
on friendly terms? Of course, there are some exes that you just can't be
on friendly terms with.. and shouldn't be. Such as people who may have
abused you, taken advantage of you or were just outright asshats. There
are allowances for that. But look for signs that your new potential
sweetie intends to end things on friendly terms with you, bonus if they
have a track record for it.
Also bring up dialogue about how important the community is for you, and
that you intend to be able to co-exist after the relationship is over in
the same community. It's not fair to put your friends and social circles
in the position of having to choose between you because you're not getting
along. And in my experience, most poly communities won't make that choice
anyway.
Short Term Relationships: Flaming Break-Ups
It's been my observation, that people who break-up after short intense
relationships have far more dramatic and emotionally charged break-ups
than those in long lasting relationships. The reason is easy to see why.
If you break-up while still in the throes of limerence, there are some
pretty high chemically enhanced emotions being tossed about. The loss of a
new sweetie during limerence (or even NRE - new relationship energy) can
sometimes seem more dramatic and life altering when not under those
chemical conditions. I've seen folks breaking up after a 2 month
relationship not being able to be in the same room with each other for a
year... but yet folks coming out of a multi-year relationship being able
to still live together comfortably. It's not a hard and fast
generalization. But something to be aware of.
So my advice, don't have short term relationships full of limerence.
Failing that...
... cut yourself some slack and awareness, and recognize the brain
chemistry you're playing around with. Sometimes, some awareness can help
ease the pain. (However, sometimes that awareness just makes it more
frustrating.) If you're coming out of a longer term relationship, try to
use the communication skills you developed and leveled out brain chemistry
to help ease the transition to becoming co-community members again.
A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime
There's a saying that is often passed around... 'People come into your
life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime'. I like to append that with
'And usually it's not for a lifetime.' However, it seems that at the start
of a brand new and shiny relationship, it's common to want to assume that
this is one of those 'Lifetime' ones.
I know it may sound morbid to assume that relationships will end. I don't
tend to look at it this way. It's reality. Your relationship with your
current partners will end at some point. More than likely, it will not be
death that ends the relationship (and as if the fairy tale of 'to death do
us part' isn't morbid...). Sure, when the human lifespan was 40 or 50
years, a 'to death do us part' commitment wasn't a big deal, but as the
human lifespan continues to increase and nearly double what it was a
century ago, lifelong relationships become more and more of a rarity. I
strongly feel that setting up expectations in a relationship that it will
happily last forever is setting yourself up for a potentially disastrous
and drama filled break-up when things do fall apart. I have found a great
amount of success in having very healthy and worthwhile relationships by
being realistic that they are not intended to be forever. Breaking up is
already hard enough to do, why have it saddled with all these expectations
being broken around this forever concept? And what a pleasant surprise if
they do actually last until someone dies?
Nothing is forever. I've personally found that the more I embrace the
temporary nature of things, the better I am able to appreciate the people
in my life NOW and not take them for granted. And when the relationship
has lived out its reason, or the season has changed... it becomes obvious
to both that it's time to move on. This has made my break-ups remarkably
easy and mutual. Of course, some may disagree and just say that I have
commitment issues.
After the Break-Up
So, the inevitable happens. The limerence wears off, and his ferrets stank
too much to put up with. She set your car on fire. His other sweetie just
can't handle your relationship. You're both Leos. She hooked up with Darth
Vader at DragonCon. Whatever the reason.. you decide to mutually break-up,
you get dumped or you do the dumping.
If you've followed my advice thus far, then perhaps the break-up is less
dramatic than otherwise. If you ignored my advice; perhaps some plates got
smashed, some name-calling occurred or you can't think of your mother in
the same way anymore.
Give yourself the time you need to heal, forgive or in some cases, obtain
restraining orders. It's ok. No one in the community is expecting you to
immediately be best buds again with your exes. Getting over a break-up is
a process. If you did break-up on friendly terms (kudos), I recommend
casual socializing with your exes in atmospheres that will be comfortable.
Some folks find that having post-relationship 'dates' are helpful.. maybe
getting together for coffee, dinner or a vacation to Hawaii. Maybe
exchanging some e-mails.. whatever you need to bring closure to the
relationship itself. It's very helpful to make sure that everyone involved
understands why the break-up is happening, and offer apologies and
forgiveness if appropriate. Perhaps one-on-one dates aren't comfortable,
but instead socializing in group situations is. But don't rush into any of
this, it may take a while to get to forgiveness and comfort. Sometimes you
may need a few weeks or months to get past it. Some find they're ok just
jumping right back into attending poly meetings and events with their ex
in the same room.
But don't expect it to be that easy. If the break-up was harsh, being in
the same room with your ex may be more difficult than you want it to be.
Start small, and don't rush it. It's perfectly ok to back away from your
ex, and the community, if you need to for a while. You may not be ready to
see your ex moving on and dating new people so quickly. You may not be
ready for your ex to be dating another one of your exes, and knowing that
they both have intimate perspectives on you. Or maybe you need the
schadenfreude of seeing your ex not moving on to help you get past it. Or
perhaps, you find you can truly be happy seeing your ex happy in life and
relationships.. true compersion.
I generally recommend that folks make the effort to start coming out to
social events as soon as they feel they're ready. Some folks may even
coordinate with their exes to avoid going to the same events as each other
as to give each other space for a while. But don't avoid your ex or social
events forever. Set up a reasonable goal, 'I will attend a social event
within __ months'. Otherwise, you can easily put yourself in a place of
not dealing with your emotions by not facing up to them. If getting to a
place where you can co-exist in the community again is important to you,
make it a priority.
Those first couple of social events may be hard. Cut yourself some slack,
and allow yourself time and space afterwards to deal with any emotional
reaction that might come up. Choose your social events wisely. If you can,
picks ones where being with your ex won't be a focus for you - events with
distractions, and hopefully, other people you like to hang out with. It
may take a couple or few social interactions to get to a place where it's
comfortable. And you may have set backs along the way.
Don't be ego-centric
A common fear I hear from people going through a break-up is that they
feel 'all eyes' are on them an their actions. That people in the community
are judging them and assuming that they did something to cause the
break-up. Perhaps they fear causing drama within the community itself it
they stay involved, or get more involved after a break-up.
In these cases, it's important to remember that while the ending of your
relationship may be taking YOUR focus, more than likely, most members of
the community aren't even aware of what is going on. There may be the
couple of trusted confidants you confided in who know the story, but
that's it. It's very easy when you're going through something traumatic
like a break-up to have your world close in very small. And it's difficult
to remember that the world goes on, with or without you. When you're
breaking up with your sweetie(s).. I may catch word of it through the
grapevine. But I'm not staying up nights trying to figure out who done it.
And I've found this to be true of most poly community members.
Yes, there are the few immature folks who go around spreading rumours and
gossip. But by and large, people in a poly community, especially long time
community members, just see your break-up as another one this month.
And don't worry, the stability of the poly community is not resting on you.
